


not our happy ending

by Areiton



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 08:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Areiton/pseuds/Areiton
Summary: The world comes to life, and you don’t.The world grieves and you don’t.The world looks to the future--and you don’t.





	not our happy ending

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags and if your anxious, read endnotes.

You always thought dying would be the worst pain you ever felt.

Because you did. Senses screaming, skin prickling, you felt every second of it, the ripping agony, and  _ his _ eyes, wide and dark and panicked and  _ sad.  _

You didn’t want that, never wanted to see him sad, never wanted to be the reason he was sad. You apologized for it, even as you faded into nothing, and it was the first thought you had, when you came back. 

_ Tony.  _

You look for him. In the chaos, and the after, and then May is there, dragging you close and there are tears in your eyes and hers, and you think, later. You will find him later. 

~*~ 

Later never comes. 

You go back to the Tower, and it’s--different. 

It’s empty. 

There is only Ms Potts and her red eyes and blotchy face and you  _ know. _

~*~ 

The world comes to life, and you don’t. 

The world grieves and you don’t. 

The world looks to the future--and you don’t.

~*~ 

“He wanted this,” Rhodey tells you, a few months after everyone comes back. He’s sitting on the edge of the Tower, and his voice sounds cautious, careful, like you’re a skittish animal he’s afraid of spooking. 

You watch the sun peeking up over the water, and realize--you’ve been out here since the sun went down behind you. 

“Peter,” he says, desperately, “he would have done anything to get you back.” 

You know. 

He did. 

He died, and you have to live with that.

~*~ 

Statutes go up, and memorials. 

Flowers cover the sidewalk around the Tower for months, and you see people putting up his mask, on street corners, grapitted on buildings, and small candles--prayer candles--lit under them. 

You think he’d hate that. 

You think you understand why they do it. 

Tony Stark saved the world, sacrificed his own life to save the universe. 

Except--that isn’t true, is it? 

Tony died to save you, tore apart the fabric of reality and yes, he brought them all back--but he didn’t remake the universe for them. 

You don’t know how to live with that. 

~*~ 

Karen is gone and his voice is snarky and fond in your ear when you pull on your suit. 

You know it’s not real, but sometimes--

Sometimes you do something stupid, just to hear him snapping, just to hear the spike of fear in his voice and the rush of knowing he loved you. 

~*~ 

Tony Stark loved you. 

He loved you. 

Enough to die--he loved you. 

You don’t know how to live with that. 

~*~ 

They worry. 

May and Rhodey, Pepper and Ned. Steve comes to see you, once, and you stare at him like he’s a stranger, this man who hurt Tony, this man who let him die. 

Bucky pulls him away, and you don’t see him again. 

Strange comes to you, too. He doesn’t offer platitudes or sympathies. He says, only, “It was the only way.” 

You blink back tears. 

“I looked, Peter. And it was the  _ only _ way. He had to lose you.” 

“And I had to lose him.” 

He’s quiet and you shake your head, tears on your cheeks, and pull your mask on, pull Tony--what you have left of him--close and leave. 

~*~ 

The universe got it’s happy ending. Everyone did. They all came back and fell into each other. 

You--you didn’t. 

Tony didn’t. 

You hate them--the whole goddamn universe--for that. 

~*~ 

“It’s not fair,” you whisper. 

“I know, kid,” Tony says and it’s so real it makes you  _ hurt.  _

“I miss you,” you tell him and he sighs. 

“I miss you too.” 

~*~ 

The world moves on. 

You--you don’t. 

Sometimes, you think you’re still stuck in that moment when Tony looked at you in your bedroom and asked you to go to Germany. 

Sometimes, you know you’re still stuck in that moment when you died in his arms. 

You don’t move on. You don’t know how to move on without his hand, heavy and hot on your shoulder and his voice, sharp and snarky in your ear and his gaze, warm and fond, watching you. 

You don’t know how and more than that--you don’t want to. 

~*~ 

One night, you get cut up on patrol.

Bad enough Tony is panicked and furious in your ear and you barely register it as you swing onto a roof and lay there, bleeding out. 

For a moment, you think--it would be easy to let go. To be with him. 

You  _ want _ it. 

Then your healing and the nanites kick in and your wound closes, your bleeding stops and he slips away, and you--

You are left thinking. 

~*~ 

“Do you think it’s what he would have wanted for you?” Strange asks, and you look at him, eyes cold. 

“Do you think I give a fuck?” 

~*~ 

You take more risks. 

Fight bigger and badder and dangerous, and you come home bruised, bleeding, broken. 

You get used to Tony’s fury and May’s fear, and Strange’s knowing gaze. 

You get used to Steve and Bucky showing up and shouting after you when you swing away. 

You get used to a lot of things, but never quite the absence of red and gold and sass on the battlefield. 

~*~ 

“I am sorry,” he tells you, and you look at him. You’re tired, and you can feel the sharp pain in your side that means a cracked rib. “What I did--it was to save the universe. I am sorry, that you and Tony paid the price for that.” 

“If you’re sorry, don’t stop me,” you say and he watches you, watches you, watches. 

“I never intended on stopping you,” he says, finally, “Only reminding you what he died to save.” 

~*~ 

The world moves on. 

The new Avengers do. 

They grieve and they honor and they forget. 

You don’t. 

~*~ 

“Kid,” Tony says, and you close your eyes, because god you miss him. 

“I don’t want to miss you, anymore.” 

“Sweetheart, please,” he says, pleading. 

Your hands shake as you unbuckle your wristshooters and Tony makes a low, hurt noise. 

“Don’t,” he begs. 

You open your eyes, and the sun is bright and your city--his city--sprawls beautiful below you. This is what he saved, what you protected. “They don’t need me.” 

“Pete, don’t.” 

“I can’t do this,” you say. 

“I love you,” you say. 

“I’m so sorry,” you say. 

~*~ 

The world moves on. 

But you--you’ve been standing still, since Titan and dying and coming home without him. 

You knew, going up--it was the last thing you’d do. You’d die on that spaceship, with him. 

It isn’t fair, that you didn’t. That you lived, and he didn’t. 

That isn’t what you signed on for. 

This--it feels like righting a wrong. 

You've been doing that for people since you were fifteen--it feels like past time for you to do it for yourself. 

“I'm putting things back where they belong,” you murmur.

And you belong with him. 

~*~ 

He’s soft, soothing, his voice calm and familiar, and it’s all you hear--not the rush of wind or the screams getting closer, or the pounding of your heart. 

Just Tony. 

It’s the last thing you hear. 

**Author's Note:**

> Peter doesn't process Tony's death to get everyone back, hurts himself to feel closer to him and ends with suicide.   
> This is not a happy fic.


End file.
